sebuah percakapan

cuma sebuah percakapan tentang idola yang sudah menjadi bagian dari kehidupan seorang penggemar. sengaja disimpan di sini, karena percakapan ini terlalu berharga untuk cuma bersarang di room chat Whatsapp. terima kasih Sukma, yang udah mau baca keluh-kesah gue. :")

꽃길 걷게 해줄게,

샤이니 !!!

Februari 2018

sh#t! why i wrote about you again?!

yesterday i deleted an old photos that not necessary anymore from my phone. at the screenshot file, i saw the photo one by one thinking if the screenshot still worth the time or just temporary urgent from the past. and it's came the screenshot that shock my eternal. damn. why i saved this?! and automaticly deleted that picture. saw that picture feels like open my own wound.

"hope you understand"

shit. even re-write those words make my heart hurt so much.

the picture work my brain to recalled the past. that time is dark and gloomy. i really, really angry back then. i just want everything split up at one time so i can life happily for the rest. and yeah, despite all the bitterness of what i felt in this past 7 years? -yup, 7 years, i thought i feel better now. even the wound can be itching sometime, but i feel at ease and light now.

but, this cause me to hate him. so shame..., but i do really easy hate something/someone/anything/everything if they do bother me, make me angry towards them, make me like a shit. the hate cause me to doesn't want to face them. because they are not worth my time.

speaking of hate and doesn't want to face them; yesterday i got invited to the new WA group. i don't really mind about the group bcs i can muted them. but the horrible thing is, he, the one who said those words to me, the person who i hated, the person i don't wanna meet ever again in my entire life, also the member of the group i joined in!! i kinda freaked out. the wound hurt so bad and the hate level up!!! bcs last month i deleted my LINE app for video editing app on my phone. i didn't realize the act i did is so good for myself. i don;t know his activity in this world again. good job, girl~ but !!! i and him, on the same group !!!!!!!1 adkaljdlkasjkakkliwdn !!!!!!!

i hate him

i hate him so much

the person that i thought would be the one by my side for my entire life, turn out be the one who i hate the most and don't want to face up for my entire life.

back then, at that time, he said, he want to be 'berkualitas' and 'mengualitaskan diri' and he hope for me to do the same. i hate him. i hate him so much. without my thought of his words, i still did that!! i joined student association, volunteering for campus event, active at both academic and non-academic. i did that. i did without your companion!!!!

i hate you so much

i never thought you are the weight of my heart and soul,

i nver regreted for hoping someone so bad this past 7 years of my life,

you still put the best of me tho..

i tried to be fit for you

so i thought i try my best for it even i knew i failed :)

i ain;t gloves for your hands,

socks for your feet,

pen for your book,

and tea for your morning

i just me; separated from anything you

even the word 'me' and 'you' doesn't have same alphabetical

i ain't begging for your love; i'm not beggar.

give them to the one who love like i did to you.

don't break her heart, like you did to me.

you deserve someone who as 'berkualitas' as you.

to end these shit talk about you -and i hope this is the last, i had an eye on someone. we had same taste in certain area and what the funniest is our birthday is in the same month! -in which you doesn't know, maybe ^^- we also read the same book, so when we finished it we can share our thought together.. you know, it's so fun :) now we read our second book, Madilog.

i can't say if i like him, but this kind of feeling for having someone who had same interest is amazing.. feeling of life.. hope you can find the who have same interest too :)

we aren't child anymore

begging is childish

we can just fight for what we want to be

and last words i say,

i really hate you.

shouldn't be like this

today i have reunite with my toddler friends. half of the members of the group that dwi's created is come to the place we setting for the meet up. i do really excited yet anxiety for the meeting.. before we set up for the meeting, of course we chit-chat a lil bit much on the group chat. it's so fun at first when the group created, we -i- did throwback our childhood memories and i feel so amazed finally i can keep touch with them! it's so long time since our toddler, 13 years, not surprised if our memories with remembering people face is not good.. they do changed, but sometimes they feel familiar to me..

in my excitement and anxiety, i do feel dissapointed when most of friends that come to the reunite is not remembering me. literally, not every single bit of their mind remember me.. i should not feel that way of course, bcs at the group tho, they not really respond to my chat at all, it's so indicated that i being forgotten. ugh, no, i should not think that way, bcs i knew the reason.. they are not do that on purpose tho... but, still, as the time goes by, i feel uncomfortable.. they do chit-chat together, bcs they still meet on daily basis sometimes.. but me, i'm not.. i moved since first day of 2nd grade of elementary school.. that's why their memory of me is limit.. despite the changes of myself bcs of the puberty,,

when our toddler time, i'm the new kid that i come in at B class, while most of them come since A class.. 2 years they together and i only a year with them... not really their fault to not remember me, right? basically, at that one year, i got bestfriends, dwi and filda.. we always together even i remember we seat together in the front seat at class.. i always playing with them every day after school, sometime i do come to dwi's house or filda's house and barely at my house.. of course is not their fault if they doesn't remember me, i shy back then -and still until now..-

isn't their fault

i shouldn't feel dissapointed

i should be the one who approach them

at the reunite, i barely talk.. i always playing with my phone, open anything any app i can open to reduce my boredom bcs of the ignorance...... i hate the situation so much, when i can't blend with the crowd, with people i know, i hate that.. the hate for myself is lead me to show it through my face and that's make me hate the situation... if i really not into the situation, my face said it all.. and it;s sometime make me feel guilty and lead me to the never ending negative feelings if i still remember it

i don't really think if i will go if there is any other meet up,,,,
i don't know
i just doesn't know

.................

17.08.02