shouldn't be like this

today i have reunite with my toddler friends. half of the members of the group that dwi's created is come to the place we setting for the meet up. i do really excited yet anxiety for the meeting.. before we set up for the meeting, of course we chit-chat a lil bit much on the group chat. it's so fun at first when the group created, we -i- did throwback our childhood memories and i feel so amazed finally i can keep touch with them! it's so long time since our toddler, 13 years, not surprised if our memories with remembering people face is not good.. they do changed, but sometimes they feel familiar to me..

in my excitement and anxiety, i do feel dissapointed when most of friends that come to the reunite is not remembering me. literally, not every single bit of their mind remember me.. i should not feel that way of course, bcs at the group tho, they not really respond to my chat at all, it's so indicated that i being forgotten. ugh, no, i should not think that way, bcs i knew the reason.. they are not do that on purpose tho... but, still, as the time goes by, i feel uncomfortable.. they do chit-chat together, bcs they still meet on daily basis sometimes.. but me, i'm not.. i moved since first day of 2nd grade of elementary school.. that's why their memory of me is limit.. despite the changes of myself bcs of the puberty,,

when our toddler time, i'm the new kid that i come in at B class, while most of them come since A class.. 2 years they together and i only a year with them... not really their fault to not remember me, right? basically, at that one year, i got bestfriends, dwi and filda.. we always together even i remember we seat together in the front seat at class.. i always playing with them every day after school, sometime i do come to dwi's house or filda's house and barely at my house.. of course is not their fault if they doesn't remember me, i shy back then -and still until now..-

isn't their fault

i shouldn't feel dissapointed

i should be the one who approach them

at the reunite, i barely talk.. i always playing with my phone, open anything any app i can open to reduce my boredom bcs of the ignorance...... i hate the situation so much, when i can't blend with the crowd, with people i know, i hate that.. the hate for myself is lead me to show it through my face and that's make me hate the situation... if i really not into the situation, my face said it all.. and it;s sometime make me feel guilty and lead me to the never ending negative feelings if i still remember it

i don't really think if i will go if there is any other meet up,,,,
i don't know
i just doesn't know

.................

17.08.02